The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014 or 1997 I couldn’t tell): He lied to me. He shot at me. He hates on me. He’s using me. He’s dead to me…..oh sorry, that’s just my lack of proper character development being spoon fed to the audience by use of song, don’t mind that. So my review. You didn’t except me to like this movie, did you? I didn’t. I watched it purely for shits and giggles. In the event that it entertained me, I would have been very happy but of course, it lived up to my expectations by being an even worse version of Batman and Robin (1997). Now, this review contains SPOILERS so DO NOT read if you haven’t seen the movie. Of course, if you are a Spider-Man fan and you haven’t seen this movie, that’s probably for the best, at least you still have your dignity. But again, SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW!! For the sake of organization, I will break this review into parts.
1) Dialogue: OOOHH BOY! What can I say about a movie that has the lines “I break up with you. I break up with YOU” and “It’s my birthday, time to light my candles” as a character shoots electricity from his hands. IS THIS THE LATE 90s?! Is this a Batman and Robin remake?! I simply could not handle the cheese and the puns.
2) Bad guys: You never in your life saw less interesting and unmotivated villains in your life. There is simply NO good reason why Max (Electro) turns into a bad guy. One minute he’s an awkward and kinda creepy nerd (Riddle from Batman Forever?) who falls into a vat of eels, eels whos reason for being there is of course left unexplained, and then turns into a literal power hungry guy who wants to kill Spider-Man, all because Spider-Man forgot his name, or because Spider-Man got attention on the news instead of him? This reason is unclear. Then you have the Green Goblin, who also wants to kill Spider-Man because he wouldn’t give him his blood. This is a somewhat better reason, I guess, but at the end of the movie, when Spider-Man goes away for months (don’t worry, he comes back) he still wants to destroy the world, so…I guess revenge on Spider-Man wasn’t his reason.
3) Acting: Andrew Garfield is in an Oscar winning film, why the fuck is his acting so bad in a few of these scenes? Don’t even get me started on Emma Stone’s “PETER! *Covers mouth dramatically*” scene. Also, the two of them made some of the ugliest expressions I’ve ever seen on film. The deformed man in Under The Skin looked better.
4) The death of the Spider-Man character: You know how Spider-Man used to be a character that was an “everyman” character? Meaning that it could have been ANYONE who got bit by the spider that gave Peter Parker his powers. Well, this film takes a shit on that. In this movie, Peter Parker was destined to be Spider-Man, for only his DNA would unlock, so to speak, the Spider-Man powers. If you or me got bit by the spider, nothing would happen. Boy, way to shit on a bunch of kids dreams.
5) Random annoyances: If you happen to see the movie, take a look at the very interesting wardrobe choices for all the background actors and even the lead characters. Notice anything? They all happen to be wearing hoodies, jackets and scarves. Kinda odd, wouldn’t you say, CONSIDERING THE FUCKING STORY TAKES PLACE A FEW DAYS AFTER HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION WHICH TYPICALLY TAKES PLACE IN JUNE! Did anyone creating this film actually give a fuck? Also, someone tell dentists that apparently falling into a vat of eels will fix the gap in your teeth. The big moment in the film features Peter finding an old hidden Subway car that his dad used as some sort of base. Let’s think about that for a minute. There’s an abandoned train station that has a hidden subway car underneath the tracks that SOMEHOW has electricity and wifi. Yes….the MTA wouldn’t totally notice that.
6) Gwen’s death: I told you there were spoilers. So yes, she dies. Boo hoo. But lets talk about how this film turns a somewhat dramatic scene into something of a parody. So she’s falling down a clocktower, and Spider-Man shoots his web to catch her. Her fall and his web shooting is all done in slow motion. The tip of his web takes the shape of a hand (Im not kidding) and grabs her. That’s quite ridiculous, that hand thing, but oh it gets worse. Now I know from Google, that in the comics, she basically dies from whiplash. Spider-Man shoots the web to catch her and she lands so hard that she bounces and breaks her neck (or back or something). Spider-Man’s actions DIRECTLY kill her. In this movie, all the emotion and guilt is taken away by her getting killed from HITTING HER HEAD ON THE FLOOR! Spider-Man doesn’t actively kill her. The floor does. While he still feels guilty, it is no where near the same as being the cause of her broken neck. The floor was at fault here, not Spider-Man. Way to ruin a impactful scene, there.
7) He lied to me. He shot at me. He hates on me. OH NO THERE IT GOES AGAIN! Every time Jamie Foxx’s character is on screen, you hear this obnoxious whispers saying “He lied to me, he shot at me, he hates on me, he’s using me, he’s dead to me. Electricity. That Spider-Man, he’s my enemy!” and a bunch of other random crap. Instead of giving this character a proper backstory, we’re forced to listen to that EVERY TIME he’s on screen, as if that will fill the gap were a proper explanation of his actions would be. To make matters worse, these whispers start THE MOMENT you meet this character. Why is he thinking “He lied to me, he shot at me” if NONE OF THAT HAPPENED YET. Electro’s powers also seem to change depending on what the scene requires. One minute he’s just a blue guy who shoots electricity from his hands like the guy from inFAMOUS, then he becomes this Dr. Manhattan floating guy, then he literally becomes electricity with the ability to travel through the grid. You can say that’s his powers maturing, but NONE of this is explained in the movie…so I’m just gonna call it lazy writing to match the lazing story which matches the lazy filmmaking.
There is much, much more I can discuss, from the random dumps of information (like the 2 geeks on the news “His suit must be magnetized, that’s why he’s not getting hurt from the electricity! or “I’ve been away at Boarding School for 10 years!”) to the Edward like stalking of Gwen, to the “I break up with you” to a few hours later “OH, I LOVE YOU! I’LL MOVE TO LONDON WITH YOU!”, to the fact that Peter must be an idiot. He’s unemployed (unless you accept his low paying photography job) and while his girlfriend is going to Oxford, he’s doing…nothing. Oh, and he’s 20 and he’s only graduating from HS then, did someone get left back? The flaws are way too much for this review. Lets just say that this movie COULD be a movie so bad that it’s good, but I found it extremely unentertaining. It IS better than the first, very much so. The first movie struggled with it’s identity. It didn’t know if it wanted to be a fun Spider-Man movie or a dark and dramatic low budget version of a Nolan Batman film. This movie was much more light hearted and it’s humor worked much better. That being said, I break up with this movie. I break up with it. 1/10